Way Of Minds

Maybe I'll write more about it later on, in full, but I have been journaling a lot about something I have been going through, specifically this feeling of things not aligning within me. I came to a theory about an internal conflict within me that has 2 main sides, and a third antagonistic side.

Side A: The side that takes in what is literally said, this side needs either a yes or a no, sometimes, even a maybe is enough of an answer. As long as it's not beating around the bush, straight to the point, direct.

Side B: This side takes in the behavior. This includes, for example, if a person is being distant with you or showing affection. This also includes verbal communication, for example, if the person speaks to you in a certain way that is caring, or not caring.

The conflict arises when Side A and Side B do not match. To take the situation I was in as an example, a partner said that she still had feelings for me, and wanted a future with me, but, all of her actions and her behavior indicated otherwise. This created a conflict between the two sides. The conflict was that I was being told one thing, but, in reality, I was experiencing the complete opposite. And this caused me a lot of stress, which I will get into later if I post more about this. But it created restlessness to the point where I was chasing around for answers and clarity.

The third side, Side C, is the antagonistic side, the one that will always try to cause more chaos and conflict, even if Side A and Side B are in align, if there is an agreement between them. Side C will try to prove them wrong, and to bring up the slightest option for doubt for either side.

I'm not able to sleep right now. I woke up and have been having thoughts about this person that I just can't stop. I just go down storyline after storyline, endlessly, replaying the same ones over and over again, making myself upset and even angry.

I have complete chaos in my mind. I know the answer as to our relationship is simple, but, my mind keeps going through these thoughts, it keeps making things up. It tells me stories that are not even real, they are not reality, but to my mind they are so real that they just feel as if they are actually happening while I am thinking them. I am making it all so much more complicated than it actually is also, I know it's simple in reality, but it's so complicated in my mind. It's an odd feeling, because I know the truth and know how it really is, but, I also have this other part of me that knows everything else that my mind made up about it.

I feel like there is a shadow that is cast over all of the good things I have in my life, to the point where they are all dimmed, almost to the point where I can't even see them. I can't feel their positivity. It feels like I am incapable of experiencing and enjoying the good things I have going on, which are a lot. I have so much good in my life, from the experiences I have on a daily basis, to the people I meet every day. I even enjoy my current work and what I do. But I just can't fully enjoy it.

I have been meditating, hoping that will help, but that too is feeling like a dead end. Not that I will stop practicing and trying, I won't, but I am in a place where it all feels futile, as if nothing is getting better, even when I pretend it is.

There are moments where I feel like there is hope, and that I am getting to a good place and am in the right direction. Those are few though. But I do have hope and a knowing that I will feel better more often, and then I will feel better more than I feel worse, and eventually, I will just feel good, with an occasional fall, but I'll get back up.

I have been having trouble finding happiness. I experience momentary joy, but it never lasts. I laugh, sometimes to tears, but the moment it's over, that joy goes along with it as well, and I am left feeling some sort of emptiness that makes me feel like I am completely alone. It usually comes and goes, but sometimes it lingers, for a while. This is one of those times.

I am surrounded by people and friends, but even with their company, I feel the same. Sometimes, even when we are all together, laughing and having fun, I suddenly zone out and lose all that joy, and am just overwhelmed with emptiness.

What is this emptiness? I ask myself that a lot. What is this loneliness? It feels like there is an answer to it all that I am just not getting. It feels like there is something I am not doing right, or something I should be doing. Like there will be a moment where I will just have this realization of what it is, and the emptiness and loneliness will just go away.

Don't ask for something to be more than it can be right now. I heard this quote today and felt how much I relate to this. This for me has been one of my biggest struggles, one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn and am still learning. To not force things into being what I want them to be, when I want them to be.

This goes for anything, really. Especially for relationships and people. Whether you meet someone you are interested in, but they are just not interested in you, or its just not the right timing, sometimes all you can do is let it go and allow it to have its time, allow it to work when its ready. Forcing it, trying to make it more than what it can be right now can result in simply nothing, making it not even work when it could have worked when the time was right.

Its not about waiting, its not about predicting the future, it's just about letting go of trying to force things to happen the way you desire. Trusting in who ever it is you believe in or want to trust in, whether this is a god, the universe, yourself, or just having plain out trust, that things will workout, and that you will be pleased.

It's a big lesson, it's difficult to put into practice, especially when it is in relation to other people or a lover, but the more I do, the more I see that it just works. Letting go, allowing things to happen when they happen, and not forcing anything into existence.

What I have noticed is that I am more aware of my thoughts, and that I am lost in my thoughts. Getting lost in my thoughts has always been something that has consumed most of my day. The moment a story line would start, I would just get so deep into it and I wouldn't even realize it until it would completely take over and even change my mood.

I have been meditating on and off for quite a while, but it never really made a difference, I would even get lost in the story lines while meditating. That changed when I started going to a Buddhist meditation center about a year ago, I spent about 3 months there and they explained that you should not try to let go or get rid of thoughts while meditating, that instead, you want to be aware that you are thinking. Once you become aware of them, you just let them go by themselves. But to not force this process, simply sit and be aware of the thoughts.

Once that sank in, I started putting it to practice during meditations, and it actually showed some results, it started working, I started noticing that I was thinking and lost in the stories more and more, and was able to bring myself back, and that translated into everyday life.

Now, when I think about things, even before a story is created I am already aware of the situation, that I am thinking and that if I continue this way, I will get lost in the story.

I can't stop the story line and myself from getting lost in it every time, but, I am aware of it every time now, and that is a huge difference. It gives me more control over my mind and my thoughts, and the option to actually make a decision, if to continue down that path and get lost, or if to end it. It's just that for me some story lines are too tempting to not go down, but that is another practice!