Though I have been doing much better in the past 6 months, I still hold on to things too tightly. And recently was a great example of that in which I won't go too much into detail, but, I held on too tightly to the point where I lost the very thing I was holding on to.

Looking back now, I can clearly see what I was doing, but, of course, while I was doing it I was oblivious. Though, this time was different from the past because I actually was aware that I was doing certain things, where in the past I wouldn't even realize the state I was in. And though I was aware of how I was feeling this time, I was still oblivious to the bigger picture of it, the smaller and bigger impacts of what I was doing, of holding on so tightly.

For the things that I did realize, I just couldn't get myself to let go and to release even a little bit, I didn't know how. And the things around that, what it was causing the other person and me, I just couldn't see.

Now that I am past it, I can see it all and see what it did to me and to them. Of course like anything it's not as simple as that, there were many factors in this, but, I was a major one, and my lack of ability to release the holds even a bit made things worse and worse, very quickly, to the point where I couldn't even tell if what I was doing and thinking was even me, or if it was just part of this terrible attachment that I formed.

My lesson from this of course is to stay on my path, and learn to love loosely, to not hold on too tightly, but also to learn to identify when it is actually happening, to identify what causes it and how to prevent or stop it if it has already begun. This is a lesson that I have yet to learn as I just realized that I still feel powerless in this situation, I don't know yet how to handle it. But that is the ongoing lesson I need to learn.