It's been a while since I have been here.
A little update: There was a moment in the past year that I actually felt internally at ease, I would say that it was the closest to being happy that I have felt. It was a stage where I was not attached to things, where I was able to let go and keep going down my path. It was a form of tranquility that I have never experienced. I actually felt I had the ability to let go and to move on, something that I have been struggling with for so long in my life.

I was able to put things behind me and not suffer from them, not attach myself to emotions. I was able to not only understand that everything is part of the path, but, to also live it, to take things for what they are, and to continue on when things ended.

Shortly after that, I got to a stage where that tranquility and understanding and everything I feel I achieve, slowly started to fade away into my mind. At times I would be able to realize how distant I have become from that place I was at, the place and state of mind I want to be in, and was able to very shortly and momentarily tap back into it I would say, but it didn't last.

Now, quite a while after that whole time, I am still feeling lost. I am attached to a few things that I haven't been able to let go of yet, I am in a state of confusion, in the sense of not knowing what to do about certain aspects of my life. And in general, so far from that feeling I had back then, that freedom of mind, that tranquility, that emptiness but at the same time openness.

I believe I know what I need to do to get there again, but, I just have no motivation as it stands right now to do much at all. But this is part of the challenge and the fight for a better life, so I will get there one way or another.