I have been lost for so long, and it happens so easily. I really only realize it when I am already very much in it, or, maybe out of it is more relevant in this case.

I realize I need to just be more mindful of myself. That really is something that I feel I am lacking at this point in life. So, My challenge for the near future is to progress in maintaining mindfulness throughout the day. Noticing the changes in my mindset when I am not mindful and when I am, when I am on auto pilot, and when I am actually controlling and have some sort of grasp on myself.

The difference between thinking first and then responding to just reacting. Being able to take a moment before responding to anything. I have never actually learned to do this and I'm sure it will be a difficult road, but this is my commitment to myself. To learn how to do that.

I won't just jump into any expectation though, I will build it up, slowly get more and more into this habit. So, today it's just the realization of it, tomorrow its noticing when I am not mindful, maybe the next day is the same, learning and noticing. That goes a long way and gives a lot of useful insights. As the days go by, I will continue to learn and understand my actions, and from there I will start to try and do better. To breath in between. To not react, but to take a moment. To be calmer, not in terms of temperament, but in terms of reactions and responses. To just slow it down, and truly be myself.

Part of this process will be about taking a step back from people, from trying to be close to them. I don't feel like I am in the right place to get close to anyone, not intimate. That includes physically and just emotionally. Opening up to people is beyond what I am capable of right now. Not to mistake it, I can open and get close and intimate, but, doing that just leaves me feeling more lonely than I already am, and it just doesn't feel right at the moment.

So the goal is to take a few steps back. Still be there for them and with them, but to set a boundary with myself, one that I will not cross, but that will grow and expand until the day I am ready to be as open and intimate as I have been, but just from a far better place.