personal experiences

I have been lost for so long, and it happens so easily. I really only realize it when I am already very much in it, or, maybe out of it is more relevant in this case.

I realize I need to just be more mindful of myself. That really is something that I feel I am lacking at this point in life. So, My challenge for the near future is to progress in maintaining mindfulness throughout the day. Noticing the changes in my mindset when I am not mindful and when I am, when I am on auto pilot, and when I am actually controlling and have some sort of grasp on myself.

The difference between thinking first and then responding to just reacting. Being able to take a moment before responding to anything. I have never actually learned to do this and I'm sure it will be a difficult road, but this is my commitment to myself. To learn how to do that.

I won't just jump into any expectation though, I will build it up, slowly get more and more into this habit. So, today it's just the realization of it, tomorrow its noticing when I am not mindful, maybe the next day is the same, learning and noticing. That goes a long way and gives a lot of useful insights. As the days go by, I will continue to learn and understand my actions, and from there I will start to try and do better. To breath in between. To not react, but to take a moment. To be calmer, not in terms of temperament, but in terms of reactions and responses. To just slow it down, and truly be myself.

Part of this process will be about taking a step back from people, from trying to be close to them. I don't feel like I am in the right place to get close to anyone, not intimate. That includes physically and just emotionally. Opening up to people is beyond what I am capable of right now. Not to mistake it, I can open and get close and intimate, but, doing that just leaves me feeling more lonely than I already am, and it just doesn't feel right at the moment.

So the goal is to take a few steps back. Still be there for them and with them, but to set a boundary with myself, one that I will not cross, but that will grow and expand until the day I am ready to be as open and intimate as I have been, but just from a far better place.

I feel like I keep going back and forth, and I'm not sure I am seeing the progression or the growth. Some would say that even noticing this and realizing this is growth and progression, but I don't feel that, because I have felt this way for quite a while. If anything it proves my point.

I feel like some days I am full of motivation and desire to grow and improve and do things that I know are good for me and help me and that I just want to do, but then at some point I just lose it without even realizing it. What usually happens is I sort of "wake up", that I just "lost" myself again and didn't do the things I wanted to, lost the motivation and desire, wasn't mindful, didn't improve and grow.

It's as if I am constantly waking up. And nothing actually changes, I wake up to the same thoughts, same ideas, same situations.

The point of this is that it feels like I am stuck in a loop, and I have tried taking some what drastic measures to change this, to get out of the loop, but I guess that wasn't the answer either since I am still here. Still waking up, still "falling asleep".

Maybe there is improvement and growth that I just don't see or feel, but it's there. Maybe at some point I will wake up to it and instead of realize that I am saying and thinking the same things every time, that I need to change and improve and growth, maybe I will wake up and realize that I actually have grown, and I have changed, that I am better.

Maybe I'll write more about it later on, in full, but I have been journaling a lot about something I have been going through, specifically this feeling of things not aligning within me. I came to a theory about an internal conflict within me that has 2 main sides, and a third antagonistic side.

Side A: The side that takes in what is literally said, this side needs either a yes or a no, sometimes, even a maybe is enough of an answer. As long as it's not beating around the bush, straight to the point, direct.

Side B: This side takes in the behavior. This includes, for example, if a person is being distant with you or showing affection. This also includes verbal communication, for example, if the person speaks to you in a certain way that is caring, or not caring.

The conflict arises when Side A and Side B do not match. To take the situation I was in as an example, a partner said that she still had feelings for me, and wanted a future with me, but, all of her actions and her behavior indicated otherwise. This created a conflict between the two sides. The conflict was that I was being told one thing, but, in reality, I was experiencing the complete opposite. And this caused me a lot of stress, which I will get into later if I post more about this. But it created restlessness to the point where I was chasing around for answers and clarity.

The third side, Side C, is the antagonistic side, the one that will always try to cause more chaos and conflict, even if Side A and Side B are in align, if there is an agreement between them. Side C will try to prove them wrong, and to bring up the slightest option for doubt for either side.

I have been having trouble finding happiness. I experience momentary joy, but it never lasts. I laugh, sometimes to tears, but the moment it's over, that joy goes along with it as well, and I am left feeling some sort of emptiness that makes me feel like I am completely alone. It usually comes and goes, but sometimes it lingers, for a while. This is one of those times.

I am surrounded by people and friends, but even with their company, I feel the same. Sometimes, even when we are all together, laughing and having fun, I suddenly zone out and lose all that joy, and am just overwhelmed with emptiness.

What is this emptiness? I ask myself that a lot. What is this loneliness? It feels like there is an answer to it all that I am just not getting. It feels like there is something I am not doing right, or something I should be doing. Like there will be a moment where I will just have this realization of what it is, and the emptiness and loneliness will just go away.

Don't ask for something to be more than it can be right now. I heard this quote today and felt how much I relate to this. This for me has been one of my biggest struggles, one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn and am still learning. To not force things into being what I want them to be, when I want them to be.

This goes for anything, really. Especially for relationships and people. Whether you meet someone you are interested in, but they are just not interested in you, or its just not the right timing, sometimes all you can do is let it go and allow it to have its time, allow it to work when its ready. Forcing it, trying to make it more than what it can be right now can result in simply nothing, making it not even work when it could have worked when the time was right.

Its not about waiting, its not about predicting the future, it's just about letting go of trying to force things to happen the way you desire. Trusting in who ever it is you believe in or want to trust in, whether this is a god, the universe, yourself, or just having plain out trust, that things will workout, and that you will be pleased.

It's a big lesson, it's difficult to put into practice, especially when it is in relation to other people or a lover, but the more I do, the more I see that it just works. Letting go, allowing things to happen when they happen, and not forcing anything into existence.