personal experiences

Maybe I'll write more about it later on, in full, but I have been journaling a lot about something I have been going through, specifically this feeling of things not aligning within me. I came to a theory about an internal conflict within me that has 2 main sides, and a third antagonistic side.

Side A: The side that takes in what is literally said, this side needs either a yes or a no, sometimes, even a maybe is enough of an answer. As long as it's not beating around the bush, straight to the point, direct.

Side B: This side takes in the behavior. This includes, for example, if a person is being distant with you or showing affection. This also includes verbal communication, for example, if the person speaks to you in a certain way that is caring, or not caring.

The conflict arises when Side A and Side B do not match. To take the situation I was in as an example, a partner said that she still had feelings for me, and wanted a future with me, but, all of her actions and her behavior indicated otherwise. This created a conflict between the two sides. The conflict was that I was being told one thing, but, in reality, I was experiencing the complete opposite. And this caused me a lot of stress, which I will get into later if I post more about this. But it created restlessness to the point where I was chasing around for answers and clarity.

The third side, Side C, is the antagonistic side, the one that will always try to cause more chaos and conflict, even if Side A and Side B are in align, if there is an agreement between them. Side C will try to prove them wrong, and to bring up the slightest option for doubt for either side.

I have been having trouble finding happiness. I experience momentary joy, but it never lasts. I laugh, sometimes to tears, but the moment it's over, that joy goes along with it as well, and I am left feeling some sort of emptiness that makes me feel like I am completely alone. It usually comes and goes, but sometimes it lingers, for a while. This is one of those times.

I am surrounded by people and friends, but even with their company, I feel the same. Sometimes, even when we are all together, laughing and having fun, I suddenly zone out and lose all that joy, and am just overwhelmed with emptiness.

What is this emptiness? I ask myself that a lot. What is this loneliness? It feels like there is an answer to it all that I am just not getting. It feels like there is something I am not doing right, or something I should be doing. Like there will be a moment where I will just have this realization of what it is, and the emptiness and loneliness will just go away.

Don't ask for something to be more than it can be right now. I heard this quote today and felt how much I relate to this. This for me has been one of my biggest struggles, one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn and am still learning. To not force things into being what I want them to be, when I want them to be.

This goes for anything, really. Especially for relationships and people. Whether you meet someone you are interested in, but they are just not interested in you, or its just not the right timing, sometimes all you can do is let it go and allow it to have its time, allow it to work when its ready. Forcing it, trying to make it more than what it can be right now can result in simply nothing, making it not even work when it could have worked when the time was right.

Its not about waiting, its not about predicting the future, it's just about letting go of trying to force things to happen the way you desire. Trusting in who ever it is you believe in or want to trust in, whether this is a god, the universe, yourself, or just having plain out trust, that things will workout, and that you will be pleased.

It's a big lesson, it's difficult to put into practice, especially when it is in relation to other people or a lover, but the more I do, the more I see that it just works. Letting go, allowing things to happen when they happen, and not forcing anything into existence.

Though I have been doing much better in the past 6 months, I still hold on to things too tightly. And recently was a great example of that in which I won't go too much into detail, but, I held on too tightly to the point where I lost the very thing I was holding on to.

Looking back now, I can clearly see what I was doing, but, of course, while I was doing it I was oblivious. Though, this time was different from the past because I actually was aware that I was doing certain things, where in the past I wouldn't even realize the state I was in. And though I was aware of how I was feeling this time, I was still oblivious to the bigger picture of it, the smaller and bigger impacts of what I was doing, of holding on so tightly.

For the things that I did realize, I just couldn't get myself to let go and to release even a little bit, I didn't know how. And the things around that, what it was causing the other person and me, I just couldn't see.

Now that I am past it, I can see it all and see what it did to me and to them. Of course like anything it's not as simple as that, there were many factors in this, but, I was a major one, and my lack of ability to release the holds even a bit made things worse and worse, very quickly, to the point where I couldn't even tell if what I was doing and thinking was even me, or if it was just part of this terrible attachment that I formed.

My lesson from this of course is to stay on my path, and learn to love loosely, to not hold on too tightly, but also to learn to identify when it is actually happening, to identify what causes it and how to prevent or stop it if it has already begun. This is a lesson that I have yet to learn as I just realized that I still feel powerless in this situation, I don't know yet how to handle it. But that is the ongoing lesson I need to learn.

I was always under the impression that meditation means to stop thinking. That the purpose of meditation is to be able to stop your mind from thinking. Now I know that this is not the case and that this is not the purpose of meditation.

But this is a very common thought. I hear people say quite often that they weren't able to quiet their minds while meditating so they stopped because it's not for them. Or that meditation makes them more upset because they keep thinking and keep trying to stop thinkin which makes them think more, and on and on.

I understand them, because I had the same idea of what meditation means. But meditation is actually pretty far from that.

It's not to stop your thoughts, it's not to fight your mind, it's not to sit in stillness with a blank mind. It's simply to be aware that you are thinking, and to calmly, bring that awareness to the breath, or to what ever your object of focus is, but to not fight to focus on it.

It should not be a battle, a task, or a chore. It should simply be to become aware. From this awareness while meditating, you will slowly become more aware outside of meditation. And this is where life starts to change.

I love the analogy of the flow of water, I think it can be applied to different parts of life.

There are a few things that characterize a flow of water:
1. There is no force, it is just flowing, naturally, without trying to and without forcing the water to flow.
2. There is no pulling or pushing, just as the water comes, it also goes. It's a flow.
3. In a river or creek, there are areas where the flow is rough and chaotic, and there are areas where it is calm and gentle, and yet, it is all part of the same flow.

I think this is a good analogy for life:
We should not try to force things, we should move along with the flow rather than against it. If thoughts and distractions arise, such as anger, hatred, or other negative emotions, or even just unwanted and uncontrollable thoughts, just as in the flow of water where there is no pulling or pushing, there should be no pulling or pushing of the thoughts. Just an allowing of them to fade away just as they came. At times life will be difficult, rough, and chaotic, but there will also be times where its calm, gentle, and relaxing. All of it is part of life and we must all go through this, because it is the flow of life, and going against it will only make things worse. Trying to force things, trying to push thoughts out, and trying to skip around the rough parts will just make life more difficult than it is.

I have been meditating more seriously since the start of this year (2024 for when ever you are reading this), and I can really feel the difference, and I have been feeling it in so many different areas of my life.

Recently though, it feels like I have been experiencing a setback. I am finding it harder and harder to actually sit and meditate. I know that even getting lost in your thoughts while meditating is still meditating and that is still part of the practice, but I have been consciously allowing myself to get lost in thoughts, I follow them and play them out. I am no longer actually sitting and allowing the thoughts to exist, I am actively participating in them and telling the story myself.

I think this has to do a lot with my mindset lately, as it has been not as good as it has been in the past while meditating. Getting lost in good thoughts is a sort of escape which is very hard to fight for me.