Way Of Minds

It's been a while since I have been here.
A little update: There was a moment in the past year that I actually felt internally at ease, I would say that it was the closest to being happy that I have felt. It was a stage where I was not attached to things, where I was able to let go and keep going down my path. It was a form of tranquility that I have never experienced. I actually felt I had the ability to let go and to move on, something that I have been struggling with for so long in my life.

I was able to put things behind me and not suffer from them, not attach myself to emotions. I was able to not only understand that everything is part of the path, but, to also live it, to take things for what they are, and to continue on when things ended.

Shortly after that, I got to a stage where that tranquility and understanding and everything I feel I achieve, slowly started to fade away into my mind. At times I would be able to realize how distant I have become from that place I was at, the place and state of mind I want to be in, and was able to very shortly and momentarily tap back into it I would say, but it didn't last.

Now, quite a while after that whole time, I am still feeling lost. I am attached to a few things that I haven't been able to let go of yet, I am in a state of confusion, in the sense of not knowing what to do about certain aspects of my life. And in general, so far from that feeling I had back then, that freedom of mind, that tranquility, that emptiness but at the same time openness.

I believe I know what I need to do to get there again, but, I just have no motivation as it stands right now to do much at all. But this is part of the challenge and the fight for a better life, so I will get there one way or another.

I have been lost for so long, and it happens so easily. I really only realize it when I am already very much in it, or, maybe out of it is more relevant in this case.

I realize I need to just be more mindful of myself. That really is something that I feel I am lacking at this point in life. So, My challenge for the near future is to progress in maintaining mindfulness throughout the day. Noticing the changes in my mindset when I am not mindful and when I am, when I am on auto pilot, and when I am actually controlling and have some sort of grasp on myself.

The difference between thinking first and then responding to just reacting. Being able to take a moment before responding to anything. I have never actually learned to do this and I'm sure it will be a difficult road, but this is my commitment to myself. To learn how to do that.

I won't just jump into any expectation though, I will build it up, slowly get more and more into this habit. So, today it's just the realization of it, tomorrow its noticing when I am not mindful, maybe the next day is the same, learning and noticing. That goes a long way and gives a lot of useful insights. As the days go by, I will continue to learn and understand my actions, and from there I will start to try and do better. To breath in between. To not react, but to take a moment. To be calmer, not in terms of temperament, but in terms of reactions and responses. To just slow it down, and truly be myself.

Part of this process will be about taking a step back from people, from trying to be close to them. I don't feel like I am in the right place to get close to anyone, not intimate. That includes physically and just emotionally. Opening up to people is beyond what I am capable of right now. Not to mistake it, I can open and get close and intimate, but, doing that just leaves me feeling more lonely than I already am, and it just doesn't feel right at the moment.

So the goal is to take a few steps back. Still be there for them and with them, but to set a boundary with myself, one that I will not cross, but that will grow and expand until the day I am ready to be as open and intimate as I have been, but just from a far better place.

I feel like I keep going back and forth, and I'm not sure I am seeing the progression or the growth. Some would say that even noticing this and realizing this is growth and progression, but I don't feel that, because I have felt this way for quite a while. If anything it proves my point.

I feel like some days I am full of motivation and desire to grow and improve and do things that I know are good for me and help me and that I just want to do, but then at some point I just lose it without even realizing it. What usually happens is I sort of "wake up", that I just "lost" myself again and didn't do the things I wanted to, lost the motivation and desire, wasn't mindful, didn't improve and grow.

It's as if I am constantly waking up. And nothing actually changes, I wake up to the same thoughts, same ideas, same situations.

The point of this is that it feels like I am stuck in a loop, and I have tried taking some what drastic measures to change this, to get out of the loop, but I guess that wasn't the answer either since I am still here. Still waking up, still "falling asleep".

Maybe there is improvement and growth that I just don't see or feel, but it's there. Maybe at some point I will wake up to it and instead of realize that I am saying and thinking the same things every time, that I need to change and improve and growth, maybe I will wake up and realize that I actually have grown, and I have changed, that I am better.

I find it so difficult to get back into a meditation practice once I lose consistency. When I have a good daily schedule that includes meditation in the morning it feels easy to actually get up in the morning and do it, even though I'm not a morning person. The meditation itself also feels "easy", I feel I am actually in it, meditating, focused. Once I lose that though, it gets so hard to get back into it, and even when I do get up and have a meditation session, the actual meditation does not feel like it's an actual meditation, my mind is goin all over the place, completely unmanageable, which makes sense of course, it just makes it all the more difficult to do it again the next day.

I'm not upset about this, I am fully accepting it and aware of it as a challenge that I need to find my way to overcome. Maybe starting again with shorter meditations throughout the day will help build it back up until I can feel better about the meditations in the mornings again, or when I ever I do them, I used to do one in the morning and one in the evening for about 20 minutes each.

I am aware that i will lose my practice every now and then, and that things won't be consistent forever. That I can have a great schedule for a few month, and then it can suddenly get disrupted. And that is ok!

I am sure others experience this too, in their everyday life and not just in regards to meditation. The key for me is to be aware of it, and to not get upset that I am once again losing my practice, schedule, or consistency. It happens, and it will happen, I am accepting it and learning from it, specifically, how to detach from the negative feelings around it, and how to reintroduce the same schedule or a different one if needed.